So, I feel like I am going to be writing in here a lot the next couple of weeks- because I have decided I want to understand my place in this world better... I want to figure out what it is to be a woman of God and start being that woman. I want to figure out how I am supposed to love and who I am supposed to love, and begin loving in that way. I think I have finally gotten fed up with myself and I am sick of the way I am not giving all of who I am to God. I'm sick of holding on to things and thinking that I can control them. No matter how small or how large, how significant or insignificant, the Lord controls it all, and everything I do should be a way to glorify Him. So if you decide you want to read these ramblings and gain further insight into who I am, then by all means proceed. There is no guarantee however, that any of this will make any sense to anyone but myself, and that any of this will be of any interest to anyone else but myself. Last night we started a bible study on the book Captivating. After reading the first chapter I wasn't the biggest fan of the book, because I felt it wasn't very scripturally based. But last night Leah helped me to realize that I can use the book as a tool to figure out my own inner desires, and to aid me in discovering the woman that God wants me to be and that's exactly what I intend on doing. Captivitating says that all women desire to, "play an irreplacable role in a great adventure", " to be romanced", and "to be (feel) beautiful". At first I wasn't sure if I really felt I needed all those things, but the more I have thought and prayed about it the more I have realized that I do need these things. I think I tried to tell myself I didn't need them or want them because I didn't think I necessarily had them, and I am sick of longing for what I don't have. I just want to be happy, and I want to be happy now. Here are some essential things that I have decided that I need/ desperatley want as a woman 1) to be understood: my desire to be understood probably has a lot to do with why I am so open with people. I want people to know every detail of my life, and every thought that runs through my head in hopes that someone will someday understand exactly who I am. 2) to be romanced & to feel beautiful: I think these two things go hand in hand for me. I think that I feel beautiful when I am being pursued. This pursuit doesn't necesarrily have to be from a man either. I want to be pursued in all my relationships. Through out my entire life I feel as though I have always been the one to pursue others. Sometimes in my heart of hearts its hard for me to believe that anyone cares for me as much as I do for them because I don't feel pursued by them. But when I am pursued or "romanced" by a friend, family member or significant other I automatically feel beautiful and loved. 3) to feel valued: I want to feel like someone values me. My primary love language is gifts, so when I see that someone who claims to love me spends all their money on themselves and a lot less on me it does make me feel a little bad. For those people who truly don't have the money for gifts, quality time and words of affirmation can make me feel just as valued as gifts. 4) to be a joyful woman of God : Ultimatley I just want to be a cheerful servant. Well I think that will be all I write right now. There is a lot on my mind about love right now, but I am not quite sure how to put that all into words yet. I am going to go get into the word now though because I am craving it!! | 
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Thanks!
